Becoming your own best friend means practicing self-compassion: bringing mindfulness to your painful experiences, recognizing your suffering as part of shared human experience, and treating yourself with the same care you’d offer someone you love. Research shows this practice reliably reduces depression and anxiety, improves coping, and increases motivation — not despite the kindness, but because of it.
To skip to the exercise on how to be your best friend with self-compassion, click here.
As a practicing counseling psychologist, I often hear from clients about how they judge themselves, criticize themselves, or see themselves as not enough or not worthy. Others talk about feeling chronically alone, unworthy of love and care, or not good enough, attractive enough, or smart enough to deserve what they most deeply want. They are far from being a close friend to themselves.
Perhaps you struggle with self-criticism every time you look in the mirror, miss a deadline, or “over-” indulge in something. Maybe guilt and shame flare up whenever you notice yourself procrastinating or making a mistake. Or perhaps you believe you’ll always feel lonely because no one could want to be with someone as depressive, boring, ugly, stressed, or worthless as you believe yourself to be. Ouch.
The hard truth and the good news
First, the hard truth. Negative self-beliefs, self-criticism, and self-judgment are hugely limiting. These tendencies often lead to depression and feelings of worthlessness. Highly self-critical people tend to feel more guilt and shame when something goes wrong, struggle with perfectionism, and may experience body image concerns or difficulties around eating and food. When self-judgment is severe enough that people expect others to judge them too, they can withdraw, become passive, or experience isolation and loneliness.
Now for the good news: there’s a practical alternative. Self-criticism and low self-worth, as deeply ingrained as they can be, can be unlearned, with time, practice, and often with the help of a good therapist. The most powerful tool I help clients develop is called self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is a practice of friendship toward yourself that consists of three things:
1. Being mindful of your painful experiences.
2. Seeing your suffering as part of the universal human experience.
3. Treating yourself as you would a beloved, precious friend.
This combination of mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness changed my life when I first discovered it. As I’ve demonstrated in peer-reviewed research, practicing self-compassion leads to reduced depression, lower anxiety, better coping with difficult emotions, and a range of positive outcomes, like happiness, optimism, curiosity, and personal initiative. And it’s something anyone can develop.
“If I don’t push myself with self-criticism, won’t I just settle for mediocrity?”
Clients commonly express the fear that developing self-compassion will lead to complacency. In practice, this doesn’t happen. When people act self-compassionately toward their weaknesses, past failures, and mistakes, they experience more motivation to change — and they’re more committed to learning from past mistakes, not less. Think about how children are motivated: not through derision and blame, but through kind words like, “It’s okay, bun, you’ll try your best next time.”
“If I’m kind to myself, won’t I end up indulgent and undisciplined?”
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person
Some clients worry that self-compassion will make them “too soft” or lead to behaviors they’d rather avoid — binges of alcohol, drugs, or food. Not so. According to research across the globe, self-compassion leads to healthier behavior, not less. People who practice self-compassion are more likely to seek mental and physical health care when they need it, drink less alcohol, have an easier time quitting smoking, and exercise more. For more on the misconceptions, see this article from Kristin Neff, the leading researcher on self-compassion.
How do you actually become your own best friend?
In graduate school, I was fortunate to study with Kristin Neff, whose work has informed a wide range of interventions that build self-compassion and reduce self-criticism. I’ve also conducted my own peer-reviewed research on this, including an experiment on the effectiveness of an online program teaching self-kindness. The tools all come down to two things: learning the three components of self-compassion (mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness) and actually embodying them.
One of my favorite tools is a quick exercise for becoming your own best friend. I use it so often with clients that I created a handout to explain how to do it outside of sessions. It works both when you’re in pain and when you’re remembering pain.
To prepare: Sit in a relaxed position and get comfortable. If you like, place your hand over your chest, give yourself a hug, or make another loving gesture towards yourself.
Step 1. Say to yourself: “This is a moment of suffering,” “I’m having a hard time right now,” or another phrase that brings mindfulness to your present experience. Let those words land.
Step 2. Say to yourself: “This struggle is a part of life,” “I’m not alone in this pain,” or something else that reminds you that others feel this too. Sit with the sense of common humanity.
Step 3. Say to yourself: “May I be kind to myself,” “I’m here for you,” or something you might say to a beloved friend. Use a warm, caring tone — and consider using a loving name for yourself (“sweet love” or “lil bb”) if it feels right.
In following these steps, you’ve brought the three components of self-compassion to your actual experience and offered yourself real kindness. Afterward, notice what comes up. Maybe you feel more calm and cared for — notice that. Maybe you’re frustrated, thinking, “It didn’t work at all!” — notice that too. Whatever arises is worth learning from as you unlearn self-criticism and self-judgment.
What’s next, friends?
After trying the exercise, share your experience with a trusted person — a therapist, a close friend, or yourself through a journal entry or compassionate imagined dialogue. If you’re curious about your starting point, try this self-compassion assessment from Kristin Neff’s site and share your results with me. Or try a guided self-compassion meditation.
If self-criticism, shame, or feelings of unworthiness are something you’re sitting with, this work goes deeper in therapy. At Panorama Therapy, I work with adults virtually across the US — people who are done being their own harshest critic and ready to build something kinder. Reach out if that’s where you are.
How did the exercise go for you? What thoughts do you have on becoming your own best friend? Share in the comments below.
Miranda Nadeau, Ph.D.(https://www.panorama-therapy.com/)